The Plan
This is a picture of a possibility, a violation of humanity, an undead nightmare that awaits me if my knowledge does not change. This is me as a zombie. Let me tell you a story about a girl who loved to read zombie books. She would imagine the zombie invasion as a B film with herself as the daring protagonist who saves others and kills zombies for sport. But how truthful is this girl’s daydreams, how would she fight a zombie, she doesn’t know about martial arts, weapons, or wilderness survival. She has all the makings of a person who would get bit and join the legions of the undead doomed to roam the earth in search of flesh- not on my watch zombie bitches!!
I want to live. I am going to gain the skills and knowledge to survive the zombie apocalypse and no I am not fucking around. What would it take for a middle of the road person like myself to transform into the stuff of hollywood legends, how long would it take and what do I do? This is my plan…..
Step 1. Research, research and more research. Luckily the zombie subculture is extremely developed and extensive, and as sad (or totally kick ass) as it may be, there are loads of books, tutorials, quizzes and tactical guides for me to start my research with. Naturally the classic works of Max Brooks have been examined thoroughly, but who else is out there? A girl can’t put all of her zombie eggs into one zombie basket now can she?
Step 2. I am not in the best shape, so clearly a rigorous exercise regime and martial arts training program is the first thing I must attend to. If I don’t have the strength and stamina to run from zombies, how will I ever find time to eat, sleep, improve my aim or barricade a house. No this is not some weird weight loss program where I invent exotic herbs and try to sell people expensive stool softeners. The truth is that as a modern American citizen I am lazy, I drink too much, and I am entirely to comfortable with pizza. I don’t own a car which means I ride my bike 25-50 miles a week, but lets face it, compared to my even my grandmothers generation I am a slug. Which reminds me, are slugs edible? The fact that I have no idea what the answer to that question is, leads me to my next necessary step.
Step 3. Wilderness survival training is a seriously important skill that the modern American has long since forgotten. I eat chicken a few times a week and have yet to kill, gut, and pluck one all on my own, thats a little odd don’t you think? Who are all of these people and machines touching my food before I get to it? Where does my meat live before I buy it hermetically sealed at the grocery store? What would I do if I had to kill an animal or where would I look for edible wild plants? I can’t rely on the zombie apocalypse being all foraging in abandoned gas stations now can I? What happens if I get sick how do I take care of myself and others?
Step 4. Basic first aid and wilderness first aid training. Improvising can be a beautiful thing, unless you didn’t know that certain kinds of threads can cause nasty infections and then your boyfriend loses an arm because your tried to play nurse. My mother is a nurse and if I can sit through dinner with her (which means every time you eat spaghetti she manages to tell a horrific story about spilled intestines, or running tubes into the penises of old men) then I can certainly learn the basics of first aid. Don’t panic, stop blood flow, sterilize wounds with actual alcohol and not liquor that has little gold flecks floating around in it. Okay surely there is more to learn and I better find out what it is.
Step 5. Weapons training. As a flaming liberal artist who has never thought of the NRA as anything but a cooky right wing organization, weapons scare the crap out of me. Sadly most people on the planet own them, use them and are well aware of their importance to life’s survival. This is the most exciting and terrifying part of this assignment, guns are a time tested tradition of American culture, and it is about time I researched both sides of this dirty coin. It is time for the Obama loving lefty to swallow her pride and go to the gun show.
Step 6. Shelter construction. I am a sculptor and a textile artist, both have equipped me for constructing basic shelters and making my own fabrics from scratch. Do I feel confidant in these skills if I was dropped in the middle of no where, hell no. So it is time to go back to the drawing board and question the nature of human shelter and garment design. I also think I need to learn a bit more about how contemporary buildings are constructed and how I could adjust them as needed. Do I know how to knock down a staircase in an emergency zombie invasion, well no, but I am pretty sure I would use a sledge hammer. What if I live in an apartment building and the stairs are made of concrete and steel? Then I would…um…I would maybe use a ….ahhhh.., a gruesome death right about this point is probably suitable. How do you transform any building into a impenetrable fortress? I don’t know, but I intend to find out. Get ready friends, because your true life zombie survivalist is on her way.
